new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
