I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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