I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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