I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
