Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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