i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
ttyl tear gas
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
