I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
