either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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