I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
