I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
