Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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