The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
In other news, I just burned my penis
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
