I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
