I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
