He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Randomize
