We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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