tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
