i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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