Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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