I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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