so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
