What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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