my mouth tastes like poor choices
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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