I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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