I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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