I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize