He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
