We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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