He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I have demons in me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
