So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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