I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
