Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Life is so much better after having sex.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I want to fling myself into the sun
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
