she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
