Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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