So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
