I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
