I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
