Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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