Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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