I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
