dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
