Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
