I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
