I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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