So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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