I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize