i just wanna soil my oats bro
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
