I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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