Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
