This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
