I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
