weddingsv make me drug and hornr
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
