Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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