fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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