I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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