You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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