He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
im on a boat
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