It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize