I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
