The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
