So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
