I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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