My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
