I wish I could teleport
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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