if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
