Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
