why didn't you poke me back
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
